At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
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The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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