I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
