I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
