Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
