So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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