Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
