got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
