it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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