so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
