that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.