I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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