In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
