piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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