im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
