I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize