he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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