I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
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the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
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Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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