Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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