whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
