I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
