last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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