Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
vagina is talking i cant
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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