the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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