There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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