Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
