Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
