Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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