i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
