I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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