I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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