Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
