did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
