walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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