It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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