Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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