He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
