Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
