You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
