i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
