i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
