I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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