U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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