Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
