I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
