If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
