I cannot find my penis.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
