totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
