He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
