I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
