You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
