This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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