Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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