I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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