My Higher Power is John Stamos
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
