mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
