Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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