I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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