I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
