he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
